I have my days of being overly affectionate and overly expressive with my love through texts and calls. But I sometimes I just get so frustrated when the other party on the line seems not interested or doesn't even care or just so I thought. I tried to talk it out with him but it just doesn't work. I don't know what's wrong already. Maybe I just have to understand and not overdo things. And as advised to not over analyze things. If he can't text because he's busy then let him do his work. To not over think of bad things when he's not texting like he's texting others, etc..
So maybe I just don't trust that much pa. It's because of the way he acts when we're together. Looking at other women who looks attractive. Making me feel that he's not proud of me being his girlfriend. He has never introduced me to his friends even if there were chances or moments to be introduced. Well, except this one time when we met his friend at the mall. other than that, NEVER. Or just so I thought. I maybe wrong. Those are just the memories that stuck on my mind and it hurts me whenever I think of those things. Like making me feel lack for not being the other women.
It really hurts me whenever I think about the things he said and the way he reacted when we had our trip in Legazpi, comparing me to other women. For not fighting for me and making me feel loved when we were quarreling. For making me feel alone and not worth pursuing. Masakit.:'( I try to forget but sometimes it just comes back. I haven't really felt that he is proud of me. He does not even dance me whenever there's a chance. Or just so I thought. I don't know the reason why things happened that way.
I don't want to care less. Much more I don't want to love less. It's just an issue of my trust in him and my personal fear, for fear of being left alone; which he already did a number of times. What I mean is that he could easily do it and not care. I would die even just thinking about that but he talks openly about it. He even challenges me to do it.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Visiting Chino
Yesterday, we went to visit Chino, Cheng's baby boy. It was one visit I need to take before going back to Surigao. =) It was a great time seeing Cheng and great to hear that she's having fun even if sometimes it's tiring. It's so nice to hear from her that there's actually a fulfillment in having a baby. Sometimes, things move so fast that you can't go with it. You just have to wait for time until you're back on your pace again. It's one of those things you treasure in life because it's a miracle that can be easily explained.
A Different Monday
I would like to start my week differently. Less frustration, less angst, less complications, less expectations and more of effort, patience, grace and favor from God, hope and faith in God, happiness, joy, love, care, passion, wisdom, knowledge, skill, perseverance, inspiration and as my koss would always say, dedication.
And definitely I would start it by consistently blogging. Whatever my progress will be with my hobby, it'll start from here. This will level things up for me this year. Next to trying to learn how to swim, drive, diet, exercise, save and other stuffs.
My thoughts about work today are: 1) I feel inferior because of my status in life and how the people treat me in the office. 2) I feel worthless because they don't want to invest something in me even just a convenient place to stay 3) I'm just a kite being dragged by the people surrounding me with their own purposes in me 4) If they would have a choice, they can just move on with their lives without me (the same feeling i have with my relationship sometimes) 5) There is a hierarchy because of money and I'm at the bottom
But like what I've realized yesterday, it's not other people who will try to dictate who I am and what I can do, it's God. And He is powerful enough to turn things around. He conquered SIN and DEATH for me. What can be worse than those two? Help me Father to conquer the battles that I have today. Lead me Father. I need you to help me in my decisions. I need you. Thank you God. Help me.
And definitely I would start it by consistently blogging. Whatever my progress will be with my hobby, it'll start from here. This will level things up for me this year. Next to trying to learn how to swim, drive, diet, exercise, save and other stuffs.
My thoughts about work today are: 1) I feel inferior because of my status in life and how the people treat me in the office. 2) I feel worthless because they don't want to invest something in me even just a convenient place to stay 3) I'm just a kite being dragged by the people surrounding me with their own purposes in me 4) If they would have a choice, they can just move on with their lives without me (the same feeling i have with my relationship sometimes) 5) There is a hierarchy because of money and I'm at the bottom
But like what I've realized yesterday, it's not other people who will try to dictate who I am and what I can do, it's God. And He is powerful enough to turn things around. He conquered SIN and DEATH for me. What can be worse than those two? Help me Father to conquer the battles that I have today. Lead me Father. I need you to help me in my decisions. I need you. Thank you God. Help me.
Keep Moving Forward
I tried blogging last night but I didn't have the inspiration to do it. And now, I'm trying to blog again. A lot of things is filling my thoughts and I don't where to begin. What's definite is that I need to "KEEP MOVING FORWARD."
Also, I really really want to have a dslr camera for my blogging hobby. I want to capture everything that's going on. That is how I would know that my day was not wasted because I did something great every single day.
Recalling the things that happened yesterday, at about 1:00 pm I went to the salon to let my eyebrows be thread because the look is already very annoying. I went to Shang- rila after to meet up with COO before going back to Tagaytay. We dropped by at Dencio's at Brittany first to pick up MEDH.
We waited for him for a while and when he arrived he surprised us with the news that he and Joc broke up. It took me a while to absorb the news he just said. And then he and Carlo each ordered a San Mig Light. As I think about it, there is no perfect relationship. I think they're a good couple and much satisfied couple. But then like what happened to me two years ago, if it's meant to be broken, it'll be broken. But later if they're meant to be brought back then it will happen. The very same reason of the break- up is that they don't see each other anymore in their futures. And the joke of that is, maybe the he/she was in the restroom when they looked at their futures. But anyways, I still expect them to get back together. After sometime. :D But while testing the waters as Chatz had said, they need to KEEP MOVING FORWARD with or without each other.
After one san mig light a few smokes, we already went to Tagaytay. Carlo got impatient when the flow of traffic uphill was very slow because of the jeepneys. We were on our way to Tagaytay Highlands where his dad has a membership in the club and only members are allowed to enter the property. Prestigious!
The view was superb! Bad thing was we didn't have any camera. I brought mine but I hate to bring it out because it's not very nice. very low tech cam. And I deeply regret buying it. Good thing it was very cheap then.
At around 6 or 7pm, Chatz's friends arrived, Chua Boots and Aloof. They're nice. But not very nice. It was again the longest three hours of my life. I don't belong to their group. I'd rather have a simple dinner and intimate time with others than pretend to be one of them when I'm not. They're all rich kids and they each other somewhere, through other friends. I tried conversing with them but I always failed. I think I had so much embarrassing moments yesterday. But I need to KEEP MOVING FORWARD. And I need to prove to myself that I don't need to have rich parents to be rich. As much as I want to pray and wish for it, I just don't have one. And I'll choose to be happy with what I have.
I did have a lot of pretensions and reservations last night and I was so afraid to speak for myself and for what I have. I felt ashamed. And even Aloof made me feel smaller.
Also, I really really want to have a dslr camera for my blogging hobby. I want to capture everything that's going on. That is how I would know that my day was not wasted because I did something great every single day.
Recalling the things that happened yesterday, at about 1:00 pm I went to the salon to let my eyebrows be thread because the look is already very annoying. I went to Shang- rila after to meet up with COO before going back to Tagaytay. We dropped by at Dencio's at Brittany first to pick up MEDH.
We waited for him for a while and when he arrived he surprised us with the news that he and Joc broke up. It took me a while to absorb the news he just said. And then he and Carlo each ordered a San Mig Light. As I think about it, there is no perfect relationship. I think they're a good couple and much satisfied couple. But then like what happened to me two years ago, if it's meant to be broken, it'll be broken. But later if they're meant to be brought back then it will happen. The very same reason of the break- up is that they don't see each other anymore in their futures. And the joke of that is, maybe the he/she was in the restroom when they looked at their futures. But anyways, I still expect them to get back together. After sometime. :D But while testing the waters as Chatz had said, they need to KEEP MOVING FORWARD with or without each other.
After one san mig light a few smokes, we already went to Tagaytay. Carlo got impatient when the flow of traffic uphill was very slow because of the jeepneys. We were on our way to Tagaytay Highlands where his dad has a membership in the club and only members are allowed to enter the property. Prestigious!
The view was superb! Bad thing was we didn't have any camera. I brought mine but I hate to bring it out because it's not very nice. very low tech cam. And I deeply regret buying it. Good thing it was very cheap then.
At around 6 or 7pm, Chatz's friends arrived, Chua Boots and Aloof. They're nice. But not very nice. It was again the longest three hours of my life. I don't belong to their group. I'd rather have a simple dinner and intimate time with others than pretend to be one of them when I'm not. They're all rich kids and they each other somewhere, through other friends. I tried conversing with them but I always failed. I think I had so much embarrassing moments yesterday. But I need to KEEP MOVING FORWARD. And I need to prove to myself that I don't need to have rich parents to be rich. As much as I want to pray and wish for it, I just don't have one. And I'll choose to be happy with what I have.
I did have a lot of pretensions and reservations last night and I was so afraid to speak for myself and for what I have. I felt ashamed. And even Aloof made me feel smaller.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Ordinary Days
22 days had passed in 2011 and it feels like I haven't entered a new year yet. But anyways, it's not too late. As always. Hopefully, it's not really too late. Time is one treasure I need to value this year. I have wasted a lot of it last year. But of course there's so much that I'm thankful for last year. Things I'm thankful for last year which I could remember or that really changed my year is:
1. Working in CNC. Though my career growth is not ideal for other EM, I had the feel of really working in the "real" world. And the goal this year is to learn a lot by being a "real" EM.
2. Having my relationship with Gem.
3. Travelling
4. Got scammed before the year ended.
Can't remember the others anymore. That's all for now.
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. - Albert Einstein
And it's already January 22, I need to keep moving. I'll keep on moving by:
1. always praying and reading my bible.
2. being organized.
3. handling my finances responsibly.
4. treasuring every second, every minute, every hour everyday!
5. putting into action all plans and promises made to self.
1. Working in CNC. Though my career growth is not ideal for other EM, I had the feel of really working in the "real" world. And the goal this year is to learn a lot by being a "real" EM.
2. Having my relationship with Gem.
3. Travelling
4. Got scammed before the year ended.
Can't remember the others anymore. That's all for now.
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. - Albert Einstein
And it's already January 22, I need to keep moving. I'll keep on moving by:
1. always praying and reading my bible.
2. being organized.
3. handling my finances responsibly.
4. treasuring every second, every minute, every hour everyday!
5. putting into action all plans and promises made to self.
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